I watch too much Television

NOTE, AS IT DOES NOT APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN CLEAR: THIS IS ”TONGUE IN CHEEK.”  ABOUT 95% A “JOKE.”  READ WITH A “SENSE OF HUMOR.”  DO NOT BECOME UNNECESSARILY “OFFENDED.”

I’m sort of fascinated by why we estadounidenses hate soccer (futbol?  I’m calling it soccer because I love my country.  USA! USA!)  It’s practically unpatriotic to be interested in professional soccer in the US, and I’m endlessly trying to figure out why.  Google, “why the US hates soccer” and you will find hundreds of articles trying to explain it.  And the US is great at other sports, and we apparently have almost limitless resources to pour into sports, so I have to figure we could probably be better at soccer if we cared, which we don’t. 

1. One of the main arguments is that we hate it because we aren’t good at it.  To which I say, um, I think you have that backwards, guy.  I think we aren’t good at it because we don’t care very much. 
2. Other people say we don’t like it because it’s too slow (not unathletic, because I think we would freely acknowledge that soccer might be the single most demanding sport in the universe.  And our response to that fact is, so?  People also complain that rugby is twice as scary and violent as American football, to which we also respond, so?)  To which I say, yes, that is exactly it.  There’s like 2 scores in a game, and lots of running running running that accomplishes nothing nothing nothing.  For a sport that’s supposed to be exciting, it’s a bit like watching professional pool.
3. ””The only thing Nike can give away that will get us to watch the World Cup would be free tickets to other sporting events.”
4. I keep seeing people explain that Americans always want instant gratification, and thus we don’t like soccer.  Well, aside from being a bit insulting to the US, and insinuating that the ENTIRE REST OF THE PLANET are patient, hangdog, hard workers, which is ALSO A BIT OF A GENERALIZATION, ALBEIT ONE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHER COUNTRIES ENJOYING, I think the uninsulting meaning of that statement may simply be that, Americans are raised on sports in which effort=results.  Soccer doesn’t seem that way to me.  90 minutes of HUGE effort can equal a 0-0 tie.  ?  It’s frustrating to people who are just accustomed to something different.  (Imagine a Lakers-Knicks game that ended in a 0-2 score, and what that would imply to you about the game.  [I.e., the basket was set at the wrong height or something, a la the Sydney Olympics vault.]  Though, conversely, a high score in a baseball game means bad pitching/sloppy play, and a low score means great defense/amazing pitching.)
5. Soccer players are sometimes hot, but mostly, the rigors of the game makes them way too thin for my tastes (which are, admittedly, shaped by professional football and baseball players).  Kind of how professional basketball players are too thin, and too pale.  So that’s just one more unfortunate strike in a column that could have won it for soccer.
6. There are things to be said for football or soccer.  I would compare a great soccer side to a great improvisational jazz band, playing perfectly together, creating plans and plots on the fly, and implementing them with impressive skill.  And great football is more like an orchestra flawlessly playing a pre-composed piece together.  It’s kind of just a matter of preference, and finding the beauty in both, and recognizing that doing either well is impressive.
7. By now, everybody’s made such a big deal about why Americans don’t like soccer that we have a vested interest in being stubborn about it.     Half the time I think we don’t like soccer just because the rest of the world does.

Tagged: World CupfootballfutbolsoccerHandegg